LIZ FRANKS

Right, so I paid my £95 to a private health provider to get some quality time with an Orthopaedic doctor who just happens to be one the of local NHS consultants in the matter of foot or other limb associated problems.

After a lot of poking, prodding and painful pulling about of my little tootsies, he came to the conclusion that my foot trauma was not necessarily Arthur related but more likely to be caused by yet another unwelcome visitor called Liz Franks.

According to Dr Google, a Lisfranc injury can be a sprain, fracture or dislocation affecting the joints or ligaments midfoot in the general area of arch/toes. Precisely where I get excruciating pain on putting any weight evenly across my feet when walking. Called Lisfranc after a Napoleonic surgeon who no doubt amputated many a good foot from those afflicted by this condition.

To further investigate, I’d need to shell out £300 per foot for MRI scans – the cost of a Ryanair flight to sunnier climes or a small inflatable dinghy. Blimey! I might have found enough loose change down the back of the sofa for an initial consultation but £600 is one step beyond my limited means.

Not put off by my elevated eyebrows, the good doctor recommended getting an NHS referral via my GP to circumvent my financial necessity which as we all know translates into ‘it’ll be some time before we meet again’.

If I'm lucky, I may get passed over to Dr AI who at the speed of light may also be able to review all my other aches and pains as a holistic whole rather than piecemeal thus returning a more accurate diagnosis.  Had I identified as a horse then it would no doubt be a case of take her out into a field and shoot her but fortunately I'm feeling sleepy dormouse today so phew!

And so, dear readers, as I navigate the wonders of our surgery’s new online appointment system to request the suggested referral, I can only hope my foot hasn’t dropped off before I get to see the Orthopaedic chappie again.