SUPER SATURDAY

Whilst everyone else is rushing out to the pub, hairdressers or booking a holiday to Costa del Covid in what I’ve dubbed ‘Stupor Saturday’, I’m sat here reading the paper and thinking Pah!  What a load of numpties!

Chancellor Roland Rat was plastered across yesterday’s copy of The Times encouraging us to ‘eat out to help out’ which is ironic coming from the Government whose most recent pledge is to beat fatties about their lardy bits with the tax stick in a bid to combat obesity.  Yet there he is looking every inch the dapper city gent who’d nipped into his local for a drink on his way home.  

Your Country Needs You In the Pub

Our fly-on-the-wall reporter just happened to overhear this conversation from his 2 metre drinking spot:

Chancellor - “Evening bartender.  I’ll have a gin & tonic with a slice of Covid, please”

Bartender - “Sorry Sir, I can’t serve you.”

Chancellor - “What do you mean you can’t serve me?  Don’t you know who I am?  I’m the Chancellor of the Exchequer that’s who.”

Bartender - “Sir, I don’t care if you’re the Queen of Sheba but you can’t get served unless you’re standing behind that line.  And hands off the bar, we have a ‘no touch’ policy in here.”

Chancellor - “Ah, right.  That line.  Sorry must have missed it, what with being a rat and all that.  I’ll just shuffle backwards a bit.  Better?  Now then how about a nice G&T?”

Bartender - “Sorry sir but I still can’t serve you as you’re not wearing any PPE and that phone number you’ve just given me looks a little bit dodgy.”

Chancellor - “I got my numbers mixed up, Okay?  That’s what happens when you’re a Chancellor, sometimes all those figures dance around in your head in a numerical hokey-cokey and they get shaken all about.  Bit like Budget forecasts.  What if I lift my shirt over my head?”

Bartender - “Well …..  All right but it’s just going to be a single measure and no lemons as that involves chopping which could be infectious.”

Chancellor - “Bless you bartender.  The economic health of the whole country is hinging on you and this G&T.  This is a consumption driven economy so let’s have another and save the summer.  Chin-Chin!”

Truly this is as good as journalistic reporting gets.  Fake news?  You heard it here first!

DAILY UPDATE SCRAPPED

Now that Boris has scrapped the daily pandemic update, I feel it’s my civic duty to fill the gap by providing one of my own.  Today’s top news includes:

The Government has ordered a heatwave to kill coronavirus germs as its efforts to provide adequate test and trace services have been about as effective as a packet of polo mints. 

Are the pubs open yet?

Half of Birmingham migrated to Dorset on the hottest day of the summer, boosting local sales of turmeric and garam masala but leaving the town ‘trashed’ in the words of Vikki Slade (personage in charge of PooBo Council).  I believe someone heard her say “Keep out scum as next time, we’re calling in the army” as she nipped behind a beach hut for a quick pee.

Keep your germs to yourself in your own home town

A second wave of stupidity has been predicted by scientists as the nation continues to blatantly ignore all government advice.  Pubs due to re-open on 4 July are preparing safety lock-in measures to keep punters continually supping beer in case the death toll continues to rise.  Hairdressers have oiled the sheep shearers ready for an influx of hirsute northerners who can’t be bothered with the beach.  Theatres will be allowed to broadcast live performances of ‘Look I’m A Tree’ from behind closed doors.

Marketing posters appearing in local and national tabloids have been revised to appeal to the more juvenile members of the population because let’s face it, the original lot are as boring as ***k.  Here’s a sneak preview of a few I prepared earlier:

Protective headgear recommended in public places

Test and Trace - works a treat on farters

Keep the toilet lid down and wash your bits

Remember, we’re all in it together when times are shit but it’s every man for themselves when the gravy train is running. 

Stay Inert.  Troll the Pariahs.  Eat Pies.

GNOCCHI YOURSELF OUT

Cooking has provided me with endless joy and therapy over the years.  That culinary symphony of snips, chops, sizzle and mix is guaranteed to put a smile on your face and a rumble in your belly.  Mmmm - if only you could bottle the smell of freshly baked bread or steaming casserole or turn it into a Venison Ragout scented Yankee candle.

Inspiration comes from many sources (sauces?).  There’s the good old ‘just chuck it all in a pan’ voyage of discovery or there are the mouth-watering photos in cookbooks, quirky little YouTube videos or cooking made easy TV programmes such as Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate Cookery Course which I’ve been compulsively watching whilst clacking away on my latest knitting project.

Homemade gnocchi with peas and parmesan not only sounds delicious but looked relatively simple to prepare or at least that’s the case when Gordon does it.

Only looks good from a distance

So I made up my gnocchi ‘dough’ as per the recipe then dropped each piece into a pan of boiling water.  Are these ‘floaters’ supposed to resemble wet clumps of recycled toilet tissue?  Maybe they’ll look amazing after a pasta perma-tan in the frying pan. 

Pan fry your gnocchi parcels

Have you ever tried to fry gnocchi?  Well if you haven’t done it before let me tell you that these little potato parcels are slippery buggers.  Flipping them over so they don’t break is almost as challenging as a one legged man with no fingers bending down to tie his shoelaces.  Mine ended up looking like a dog’s dinner.  No hang on, even Pedigree Chum looks like sirloin when compared to this mess.

Keep the faith.  Maybe once I’ve added the grated lemon zest, peas and parmesan cheese it’ll look as tasty as Gordon’s.  Actually no but if I close my eyes when I taste it then I can imagine it does.  And talking of taste – seriously if I wanted to eat spicy mashed spuds and peas then I could have just chucked it all in a pan to make bubble & squeak which would have been easier.  Next time, its packet gnocchi.

This sorry mess only tasted of potato - texture awful

Marks out of ten?  Sorry Gordon, this dog’s not even out of the trap in the race to win over my taste buds.  Here’s the best place for this recipe.

Always recycle unwanted recipes

SOLD!

Oh how the world of buying and selling property has changed since I last moved house 20 years ago.  Gone are the never-ending phone calls to estate agents and solicitors as thanks to the technological revolution everything is now done online.

Still can't believe its happening

Set aside half a day, a jar of coffee and a mountain of snacks to complete your online conveyancing.  You’ll need a caffeine boost every hour and brain food to wade through the plethora of online forms that need filling in and the uploading of documentation to confirm everything from your knicker size to bank details.  My finger tips are bleeding.

Are we nearly done?

Filling out the lengthy Fixtures & Fittings Questionnaire, you do begin to wonder what kind of people there are out there judging by some of the things being asked.  Are you going to leave behind the light switches?  Duh!  Can I really be bothered to unscrew every single one just to save a few pennies?  Well of course I’m leaving them behind, you legal Llama. My name is not Scrooge McDuck!  (Although I’ll probably take the lace nets if I can shorten them to fit the new windows).

Do people moving house really take light switches with them?

The surveyor phoned to confirm I’m not buying a pup which is just as well because at £349,000, it’d be the most expensive dog in history.  (Technically it isn’t as according to Google a golden haired Tibetan mastiff once sold for around $2,000,000 a few years ago – what?) 

A survey may seem like a superfluous expense when you’re already shelling out hundreds but I can’t stress the importance of getting one done before you commit to your purchase.  Not cheap either.  Be prepared to part with anything from £500 to £800 for a random geezer to poke about in your particulars.  Just make sure they’re professionally experienced and qualified before you wave bye bye to your dosh. 

Luckily, ours has flagged nothing major on our new Chichester home but imagine if the house of your dreams was riddled with rising damp or subsidence?  Better to find these things out up front before you sign on the dotted line.