OZ NO MORE

‘To thine own shelf be true’ lamented Hamlet, Shakespearean prince, at the lack of good carpenters to be found in Elsinore Castle. Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark that is going to need more than sword or brevity of wit to fix. Hang on a mo, I’ll just post an ad on MyBard or Check-A-Play to see if I can find a highly rated chippy or woe is me, tis to be done thineself!

Hamlet - Prince of Denmark

Whilst our erstwhile prince ponders heavily on the burden of castle maintenance, I’m lamenting the demise of another prince – the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne, who unexpectedly gave up the ghost last week. “Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!”

I still can’t believe Ozzy is no more. That’s definitely put the kibosh on any more ‘final’ tours or future appearances at the Download Festival unless the prank-meister has found a way to cheat death by being digitally resurrected. Anything’s possible these days.

I remember well that epic ‘final’ Black Sabbath gig at Hyde Park that my son and I went to a few years back where Ozzy sprang about the stage showing more va va voom than a Renault Clio. The black-clad crowd went wild as he belted out hit after hit, never wavering or slowing down. He was awesome! And if he has gone to heaven, I can’t imagine he’d be swapping his trademark black ensemble for any of that white ethereal garb. No siree. I’d like to think he’d show them angels (or demons) what it’s really like to rock the underworld.

Ozzy - Prince of Darkness

Still, it’s no good mooching about playing Sabbath songs with a face like a wet weekend when there is DIY to be done. Ozzy wouldn’t have wanted that and so here I am varnishing planks for yet another woodworking extravaganza.

Impressed by our home-made library bookcases, Number 1 Son who is now the proud owner of a small three bed terrace in the wilds of Somerset, has commissioned us to make some bookcases for his tiny home office.

‘Yeah, no probs’ I eagerly volunteered us for the task, knowing full well the other half would devise a million tortures for me once we got home at the thought of cutting any more timber. Carpentry is up there along with brick laying on his list of things he hates with a passion.

Now when I signed us up to this project, I thought it would be a simple job judging by the size of the alcove in son’s home office. Floor to ceiling bookcase along the back wall – bish, bash, bosh. Job’s a good ‘un!

World's smallest alcove?

Then I was given the design brief – a set of corner bookcases (no backs) painted the same colour as the walls. What??? No way!

And so dear readers for the next few weeks, prepare to be regaled with tales of how we dared to put ‘baby’ in the corner but in the meantime, it’s Sabbath Bloody Sabbath! RIP Ozzy.

CABINET A DEUX

Now that I’ve got my hot flushes under control and downstairs loo sorted, time to crack on with this cabinet as DIY project number 2 is already waiting in the wings and I need the floor space.

Cabinet so far

Where was I? Ah yes, jazzing up the top section with a creative stripey design. Or at least trying to.

Re-vamping the top

I started off by painting the exposed edging strip the same teal colour as the rest of the cabinet. Looks okay but even though I carefully sanded the area prior to painting you can still make out thin strata lines under the paint.

Front edge painted Milltown colour

Perhaps I should have applied a light coat of wood filler or some wonder face cream to the area to reduce the appearance of fine lines or wrinkles.

I could have just left things at that point but a small nagging voice in the back of my head was urging me to unleash creative forces. Three coats of gold paint later, we now have a glitzy gold strip along the front edge. Looks nice and goes well with the cabinet legs.

Gold coloured edge

As the veneer on the top of the cabinet looked so nice, it seemed a pity to cover it with paint. It’s been left in its original state but the high back beading strips have been painted teal to match the main body of the cabinet.

Back bead strips painted in Milltown colour

The finished top

With the top finished off and the door re-attached, all that is left is to varnish the whole lot then add those last little touches before it can be given the final completion sign off.

GENERATION V

Not satisfied with having annoyed most businesses, workers and retirees, Vote Fear Keir is now reaching out to the nation’s ‘youf’ to save his bacon by giving all 16 yr old peeps the right to go to the polls.

Considering half of this demographic probably can’t even spell Polling Station and as most never leave the confines of their untidy bedrooms unless its to eat or pee then Farage needn’t lose sleep over this latest proposal.

Somehow, I can’t see a mobilised army of revolutionary Generation Vote storming political bastions with demands to free all Pokemon, reduce the cost of Xboxes or legalise cannabis. At 16 I wasn’t even remotely aware or interested in what happened in Parliament. There were always more pressing concerns such as hanging out with mates, sneaking into nightclubs/pubs or devising ways to wear make-up without being caught by dad.

To many youngsters, political parties are things you gatecrash armed with bottles of alcohol purloined from parental cocktail cabinets.

Apathy often rules in the 16 -18 demographic so how will the Government engage with this new electorate? Perhaps they could sex up elections by changing the current stuffy old polling station way of voting into something exciting like a game show, where punters can vote via smartphone from the comfort of their sweaty-sock-smelling teen caves.

I envisage future elections rather like a show akin to The Traitors where MPs sit round a huge table wearing voluminous hooded black capes making promises about future policies. Voters could then use a QR code to eject any ‘traitors’ who are clearly lying through their back teeth and not to be trusted. The last person left in the room that lies most convincingly gets to be Prime Minister. Simple. Far more entertaining than the current general election process. Throw in a free Dominos and you’re likely to have young people voting in droves!

Kevin & Perry go to the polls? I can’t see it happening unless their parents drag them along. Isn’t there the risk that having allowed 16 – 18 year old’s the chance to vote, they’ll also want to do what every other adult does legally ie drink, get tattoos and sign up to numerous buy now, pay later agreements? Could this be the thin end of the wedge for Sir Keir?

THE PLUMBER ALWAYS RINGS TWICE

No point ringing once because with the cacophony coming from the gas works taking place outside, the dinging doorbell has about as much chance of being heard as an ant fart.

Chaos in the cul-de-sac

Angle grinding the concrete pavement outside my bedroom window at 7.00 am on my day off – I mean, come on!!!!  And what do you call that reinstatement work?  It's a bloody mess!

The pavement in front of my drive - what a mess!

Still, eventually the faint sound of knocking came through above the din to reveal a sweaty-faced plumber laden with tools. Poor bugger had had to park half way up the road there being no room in the already overcrowded gas van mayhem at the bottom of the cul-de-sac.

Half a day later in temperatures that would melt Antarctica, a downstairs cloakroom slowly emerges from its cardboard box chrysalis and magically morphs into a beautiful porcelain butterfly.

The world’s smallest back-to-wall toilet, the Roper Rhodes Zest, sits proudly in front of a white gloss cabinet along the back wall.

You can't get smaller than this

A compact square hand-basin complete with brushed brass coloured tap and matching clicker waste hangs on the wall near the door.

Wyndam compact basin with Levo brushed brass tap

Brass coloured towel and loo roll holders decorated with ornate swans (Anthropologie) fitted on the tiles to replace the tatty old chrome ones. Swans were the closest thing I could find to compliment the flying cranes of the wallpaper.

Anthropologie swan towel ring

Anthropologie swan toilet roll holder

Vintage brass light pull (Ebay)

Everything flushes or gushes as it should thanks to the sterling efforts of the plumber and his mate who had to work in anything but ideal conditions which was clearly reflected in the £700 bill hitting my inbox later that evening. Thanks lads, we couldn’t have done it without you!

No more racing upstairs for a widdle as we can now contemplate life, the universe and everything from the comfort of our spanking new loo. I promised the other half a poopy parlour fit for a king - I hope this one ticks all his turdy boxes.

BEFORE

AFTER